Sunday, September 11, 2016

Last Time Nursing

I'm silently crying right now.  I just nursed Bridget for the last time and my heart hurts.  Yes, I know it is past time to wean her; I know she is 19 months old today; I know she will be fine.  But my baby is becoming my child right before my eyes and I just want to press pause and revel in her baby-ness a little (ok a LOT) longer.

I have been her most favorite thing for the past 19 months.  She never wanted to pacifier (and I bought every single one they make trying to change her mind) and she stopped taking bottles at about 5 months old.  "Boob" was one of her first, and most clear, words.  She looked for me for food sure but more for comfort.  At times it was hard but mostly it was lovely.  And I am going to miss my time with my Bridgie.

I want to REMEMBER.  I want to remember the weight of her in my arms when she fully relaxed and then fell asleep.  I want to remember the quiet sucking and swallowing sounds that so often put me to sleep.  She loved to hold my ear or her own ear  - she pushes my head to the side and grabs a death hold on my ear folding it uncomfortably in half and rubbing it.  I want to remember how she could find my nipple with her eyes closed and from the time she was born until tonight she makes a little chomping sound as she latches on.  I want to remember how her feet kick, how she loves her cheek rubbed, how she locks eyes with mine.  I want to remember her (totally annoying) love of switching sides - she never wanted to stay on one side for long and would switch back and forth sometimes 10 times in a nursing session.  I want to remember her as a tiny thing sleeping in my arms in our bed at night and how I would wake up not to her crying but to her head butting my boobs.  I sometimes want to forget how she would head butt my chest while screaming 'BOOB" in public when she was older.

It's going to be a really hard few days coming up.  Bridgie has no desire to be weaned.  But I think it is time and I know we will both me OK.  

"I'll love you forever
I'll like you for always
As long as I'm living
My baby you'll be"

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